Rambler – If the English Football Season Was a Film [column]

If Hollywood would use this year’s English Premier League and its main protagonists to produce a film, say one of those epics where a bunch of people thrown together by the fickle finger of fate go on a journey across the country searching for the mythical golden cup the size of a grown man’s head.

All the while being hunted by a pack of wild dogs. This cup will bestow the victor eternal life, riches aplenty and all the women in all of the land.

Now wouldn’t that be something?

I’m sure the guy who would play the role of Manchester United will be the token black dude who gets chowed by some weird creature in the early scenes. Or the guy who drowns in a saucer of milk or who dies from getting pricked by a thorn. Or maybe he’s the guy who slips and falls into his own teeth and dies. The type of past-his-prime gigolo with the fake gold chain, shiny shirt and two cut-price escorts on his arms. How apt would it be if he made a racist move and gets annihilated? He gets little time to make an impact and by the end of it, no one remembers him or why he was ever in the film.

Everton will be played by a charming book smart guy who miraculously disappears halfway through the movie without anyone giving an explanation as to what happened to this character.

Newcastle United could offer some comic relief and sex appeal as the archetypal dumb blonde with a fake French accent, who is passed from one protagonist to another.

Tottenham Hotspur will be played by a mixed race drag queen who has more costume changes than lines of dialogue. The Spurs character could be responsible for most of the humorous scenes in the movie with everyone on the trip (even the Manchester United character) having something funnywittysmart to say about his profligacy, his mental state, his wardrobe, his riches to rags story and his general ineptness.

Arsenal’s character would initially seem like one of the main characters with scenes portraying him as a hero on a stage or a hill making a rousing speech to hundreds of subordinates. However, he dies like Omar in the HBO series ‘The Wire’, at the hands of a small boy with only a cameo role who had enough of his sexual harassment. The paedophile meets his match one Sunday afternoon in a lush green open field. He dies with a perplexed look on his face and five stab wounds to the chest.

Chelsea is the constantly drunk guy who swears at everyone and tells everyone who is sleeping with who and who borrowed money from who. His fly is always ajar. The guy who tells everybody willing to listen how he once owned his own business, had a blonde wife and three luxury cars. Even though he depends on the generosity of others, he tells them how fortunate they are to know him. Everyone watching will question how such a dull, uninteresting character made it to the final stages of the movie. The two heroes of the movie, realising they need a diversion to slow the enemy down, tie the old drunkard to a broken down bus while they plot their escape. He awaits his end in a drunken stupor furiously swinging air punches chained to a flat tyre. He is eaten by the pack of wild dogs while he laughs hysterically.

The two main characters, portraying Manchester City and Liverpool, ascend a hill at sunset amidst dramatic music where they realise they have been enemies all along and must now fight it out to the bitter end.

The unlikely young hero who is an injured, hungry, bespectacled chap, portrays Liverpool. Armed with only a broken bottle and cunning plans. Manchester City, portrayed by some rich kid jock type, is armed with an arsenal of the latest weaponry known to man. Only problem, he doesn’t know how to use it all.

They fight a vicious battle with both losing lots of blood. In a final blood dripping scene, bereft of all their paraphernalia, they slowly circle each other as night falls. Both are hurt and broken in more ways than one.

Both know they have to make these last moments count. Both know it’s their last swing with their last bit of energy…

Now watch the final weekend of imperialist football and write your own damn script about how the season went for you.

Source : The Namibian