Rambler – They Don’t Deserve My Vote [column]

So apparently there’s a clause in Sacky Shanghala’s electoral law that makes it illegal to pontificate against voting. So, of course, I’m going to go right ahead and pontificate against voting.

Hold your horses! Only joking.

In fact, I want to encourage all registered voters to go out and vote. Even if it means standing in a queue for an hour to vote for a party that can’t come up with one clear workable idea and solutions for our innumerable problems.

These assholes are your choices:

All People’s Party: Ignatius Shixwameni used to be the future… a long, long time ago. Would you drink alone and call it a party? Would you have sex alone and call it a party? Is APP a party?

Christian Democratic Voice: If you have the proclivity to forward a Middle-Eastern folktale as the base for your manifesto (or the lack thereof), you need to be ignored on the EVM.

Congress of Democrats: This was a party when the late Kalla Gertze used to run shit over there. If you’ve been in Parliament since 2000 and all you have to show for it is more division than a Grade 6 math book, you need a rest.

Democratic Party of Namibia: Who? Aiye! If you can’t even come up with a creative name for your party, you don’t deserve votes. It’s probably one of these parties that will get fewer votes than is on its party list.

Democratic Turnhalle Alliance: The president of this party saw it fit to hire an image consultant for himself while the party’s image is still in an old apartheid-era bucket toilet. They say there’s a rebranding in the offing. Until then…

Monitor Aksie Groep: MAG without Kosie Pretorius is like a condom without the smell. These guys don’t even hide the fact that they don’t give two shits about integration and transformation. Just look at their party list. No Shipanga, Swartbooi or even Diergaardt. Hou links!

Namibia Economic Freedom Fighters: These phoney wannabe radicals wouldn’t find a clue in a warehouse filled with clues, even if you slap them in the face with one. Screaming “we’ll nationalise the mines” without knowing how to spell nationalise or even know what the word means is as impressive as your array of fresh new ideas. You lost me at homophobia.

National Democratic Party: Put your hands up in the air and wave them like you… are Lukato Martin Lukato. The NBC’s favourite clown during these elections is the embodiment of the Namibian sense of humour. Relentless and offbeat. I guess there’s a rich guy in the Zambezi Region who paid for Lukato’s registration at the ECN just so he can laugh his ass off. He knew there were skits for days. As if one Lukato calling himself twice wasn’t enough, this party has three Lukatos in the top 20. Save us! Looooooord, save us!

National Unity Democratic Organisation: With no less than three parties vying for the Herero vote and Swapo (not being one of them) probably taking it, this might be the last time we’ll ever have to write about a party that has not been relevant for aeons. Second half!

Rally for Democracy and Progress: Who would’ve thought that the party who was going to break the governing party’s back would pull a CoD on us? I did. How the younger RDP members couldn’t unseat Hidipo Hamutenya’s shadow is astounding. It makes me think of the Indian guru whose body was kept on ice as his followers were arguing whether he was dead or just sleeping. Some said although he may have been clinically dead, he was spiritually alive and has just gone into a deep meditative state and wait for it… on the “pathway to self-realisation”. Vote for you for what?

Republican Party: Dazed, confused and in a slump. First they wanted to move in with the RDP. They pulled out. It was complicated. Then they backed Hage Geingob as presidential candidate. Then Henk Mudge decided to stand for president. Being a RP supporter must be like supporting Manchester United. The one day you buy the world’s most expensive players and the next day those millionaire players get beaten by a bos soccer team.

Swanu: One of only two parties who still insist on having South-West Africa in their name. They also cling on to a largely ignored ideology. Such a pity that a very intelligent man, Usutuaije Maamberua, is wasted there. Being the oldest party in Namibia isn’t going to get you my vote.

Swapo: No wonder we feel like we still live in South West Africa. You can’t live in certain areas, you can’t own land, police brutality is real, political leaders acted on behalf of an elite few and think they were gods who don’t have to account to anyone. Omake…! Ai, sorry tog. I get so excited writing this column and it’s making me talk what’s in my head. Ja, I just said Swapo brought apartheid back and they’re not getting my vote. ‘Tsek!

United Demaocratic Front: The louder they shout ‘we’re not a tribal party’, the fewer rallies they hold outside Khorixas. Now that Justus Garoeb is not around any more, no one has any reason to vote for them. By the way, I always thought Dudu [Murorua] was an odd first name for a grown dude. Turns out the guy’s real name is Themostikles. Etseeeeeeee! Ti abotse!

So who to vote for? Maybe next time McHenry Venaani, Job Amupanda and Maamberua can team up. Between them they have it all – brains, charm and brawn. If only we could find one leader with all those qualities…

Source : The Namibian